This year has been a roller coaster ride. A ride that for the most part I could have avoided if I'd have been open and honest with myself and my loved ones.
My relationship with Ex started out very quickly and I would later find out started with a bunch of lies. We met and then about 3 weeks later went out for the first time. We slept together that night. I knew if was a dumb thing to do, but I was single, so was he (or at least I thought). He was still asleep when I left for work the next morning.
I must have still been drunk - I left a strange man alone in my apartment while I left for work. Genius!
I came home from work, half expecting him to still be there. I found my bed made with a note from him on my pillow, and a Rolex on my dresser. Turns out he left it there purposefully so that he'd have an excuse to come back.
He did come back for his watch and things progressed from there. He told me he worked for a mortgage company that went bankrupt and therefore had lost his job and was eagerly looking for a new position. He also told me that he and his family had recently gotten into a big fight and he had moved out and was staying with a friend, who happened to be my neighbor.
We spent pretty much every evening together - I admit it, I was lonely and it was nice to have him around. Things were going really well. Eventually, he officially moved into my apartment. We celebrated Christmas together, the Valentine's Day, and all of the other random holidays.
We moved into a house, did a lot of work to said house, and then were engaged the day before my 26th birthday.
Truth be told - the engagement should have never happened. By that point, the relationship had already turned physically abusive and I was being taken advantage of on an almost daily basis. But I thought things would change. They did change, but not for the better.
A few months after the engagement (and coincidentally the day after I had picked up my bridal gown), we got into a pretty big argument. I was thrown down the stairs, thrown into walls, grabbed by the wrists, hit, pushed into the back door hard enough to rip off the curtains, blinds and crack the glass, and finally locked out of my own house without the keys to my car. At the time, I don't think I realized just how lucky I was to have made it out of there with no serious injuries.
That day, I decided I'd had enough. I was tired of being used and abused. He was still without a steady job and was smoking pot several times a day.
I should probably back up and tell you that I'd never been around drugs of any kind until I met him. I'd obviously never done drugs, and hadn't even seen pot. In fact, the first time I saw it, Ex was making a joint IN MY APARTMENT ON MY COFFEE TABLE without first asking if I had a problem with it. Should have been my first clue as to who he was in the relationship for.
Anyway - back to the day of the fight. I decided to temporarily move back into my mom's house while I found an apartment of my own. Friends took me out that night and went back to the house with me to help me get my things. I stayed at my mom's for a month - all but completely calling off the wedding. I honestly don't remember all of the details, but Ex had found a new job, convinced me he was determined to make a better life for the two of us.
Against the wishes of my family and friends and against my better judgment, I moved back in and the wedding planning continued...along with the drug use and the abuse and the lack of a steady job.
I think at this point I stayed in the relationship out of embarrassment. I mean, I was in the midst of planning a huge wedding, had managed to spend a ton of my parents money, my bridesmaids had already paid for their dresses, all because of me. How could I admit that I had made a mistake? My parents hated Ex and had offered to cover every last financial obligation that had been brought on because of the wedding if I would cancel it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I've never told anyone this before, but right before I walked down the aisle, I lost it. As in crying uncontrollably. I think my step-dad thought it was just normal "I'm getting married" jitters and he tried to calm me down, but it was really me almost leaving Ex at the alter. I was so close to turning around and not looking back. But again, I was a coward and I cared to much about what other people thought to actually walk away.
See - there were plenty of opportunities for me to end things before they got so out of control. I'll get into more about the flaws in our relationship in another post and eventually, I'll fill in the details about our marriage and our divorce.
